tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20831544626246388782023-11-16T03:23:25.978-08:00That's What I ThinkJoseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-12457772107219961792015-02-21T11:51:00.000-08:002015-02-21T11:51:32.799-08:00Most Satisfying Deaths on The Walking Dead<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let's just get the giant <strong><em>SPOILER WARNING</em></strong> out of the way right now. We'll be talking about <em>The Walking Dead</em> and the many major and minor characters who have assumed room temperature along the way. Not all of them, mind you. For one thing, that would take about twenty blogs and I don't have the time or the patience to write about them and I'm sure you don't have the time or the patience to read about them. Let's just stick with what I consider the 10 most satisfying deaths on the show. These are the characters for whom I cheered when they met their demise. You won't find cool or even semi-cool characters like T-Dog and Tyrese on this list because I liked them as characters. These are just the ones who deserved death for one reason or other and got what they deserved. Let's take a look:</div>
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10) Alicia--Season 4</div>
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She was only in maybe 3 episodes. I wouldn't even really include her on this list ahead of such deserving characters as Gareth or Martin from Terminus but for one thing. In the attack on the prison she was actively gunning for Tyrese, possibly after shooting dead at least one of the prison population. Also, after witnessing the Gov decapitate Hershel she continues with the attack. Tara was so freaked out by that she threw away her gun. Alicia didn't seem to have much trouble with that, nor with the idea that they would be displacing or possibly killing children in order to take the prison. During the attack, when the man next to her gets plugged, she looks about and finds Lizzy and a couple other kids standing there looking at her. Alicia hesitates, but why? She knew there were kids inside the prison, and that she might have to kill them, but she still had the balls to look surprised at their presence. Lizzy promptly shoots her in the head. Good. I actually clapped when it happened. </div>
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9) Ed Pelletier--Season 1</div>
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We knew Ed was a dick right off the bat, when he has a minor confrontation with Shane regarding the size of his campfire. Ed backs down that time, but he makes Carol remove the extra log from the fire instead of doing it himself. He beat his wife on a regular basis, and most likely molested their daughter, Sophia. Ed also has bad timing, choosing to have a confrontation with both Carol and Andrea just after Shane has been told off by Lori. Shane is in a very bad mood and he takes it out on Ed, beating him to within an inch of his life. Later on Ed is devoured by walkers in his tent. Before he is buried Carol destroys what's left of his head with a pic axe. It couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy.</div>
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8) Joe--Season 4</div>
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We know he's an asshole when he recruits Daryl into the group by telling him, "Why hurt yourself when you can hurt other people?" Joe seems to have no trouble with, among other things, rape and murder. He orders the beating death of one of his group, and, later, the same for Daryl. He has a vendetta against Rick (it's actually kinda legitimate, I have to admit) and he's gonna make Rick watch Michonne and Carl beaten and raped before Rick himself dies. Jeff Kober, who plays Joe, really sells the character's bloodthirsty streak very well in that scene, so kudos to him. Rick tears out Joe's throat with his teeth and that's the last we see of Joe. Rick then goes on to mutilate the henchman who was threatening Carl. I'm down with that. </div>
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7) Lizzy--Season 4<br />
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Pure and simple, Lizzy is a psychopath. She doesn't see walkers as dangerous, just different. She kills baby rabbits and feeds live rats to walkers. She nearly smothers baby Judith. Then she murders her own little sister to prove she will come back the same as before. Lizzy might have been able to receive professional help in the old world but in the zombie apocalypse, there are no hospitals, doctors or drugs to turn to. In this world, the only option for Lizzy is the one Carol takes. She puts Lizzy out of her misery with a bullet to the back of her head. It's better than she deserved.</div>
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6) Mitch--Season 4</div>
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Like Alicia, Mitch was only in maybe 3 episodes. Still, how satisfying was it when Daryl blew up the tank and then shot Mitch with an arrow? Pretty damn satisfying, if you ask me. While not verifiable, it appears Daryl's aim was intentionally low, indicating he shot Mitch somewhere other than the head, insuring he'd come back as a walker. Mitch follows the Governor, acting as his lieutenant, even after the Gov admits he murdered Mitch's brother. That's pretty screwed up, even for this show. And after watching him blasting away at the prison and the people in it, I had no problem whatsoever with Daryl's decision that Mitch should join the walker herd. </div>
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5) Dawn--Season 5</div>
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The thing about Dawn is, she might act like a psycho, but she isn't. She's just a desperate woman in charge of a police force always on the verge of mutiny. She even seems like she might have been an okay person to hang with before the world went to shit. When she's not beating Beth and/or sounding like a dictator, she comes across as intelligent and driven. But she allows her officers to rape and beat the people under their protection, just to keep them happy. She even allows Noah, her ward, to be beaten for something she knows he did not do. She constantly smacks Beth around, putting fresh cuts and bruises on the young girl. And let's not forget it's Dawn's own arrogance that causes her demise. The hostage swap is done and everybody is going to walk away with their lives. She decides at the last minute to change the deal, making an additional demand for Noah to remain. Watch her eyes and her body language. She's doing this for no other reason than to look tough in front of her own people. It was a needless display and she wound up paying for it. Beth intervenes and stabs her with a small pair of scissors. Dawn's gun goes off and she shoots Beth. It was clearly an accidental shooting. She never meant to kill Beth. Not that that mattered to Daryl. He put one in her forehead and that was the end of her. She won't be missed, even by those who knew her. </div>
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4) Andrea--Season 1-3</div>
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I don't know what happened with this character. She remains very likeable in the comic book but on the show she was hated by many. Not without cause, either. The first time we see her she's holding a gun to Rick's face. She does it again after her sister is killed by walkers. She becomes very arrogant in season 2, telling off Lori, allowing Beth to nearly commit suicide, ignoring Dale and shooting at what she thinks is a walker but turns out to be Daryl. Season 3 Andrea is even worse. She chooses a warm bed over Michonne, the woman who kept her alive the past 8 months. She sleeps with the Governor even after she knows what he is. After Rick and the Governor have a sit-down, Andrea leaves with the Woodbury group. This was the final straw for most fans. The thing is, a deleted scene had her decide to leave with her old friends and go to the prison. Hershel talks her out of it, seeing the value of having a friendly among the population of Woodbury. In that context Andrea's decision to go back with the Governor paints her in a much better light. Without that scene, she looks like a traitor to Rick's group, not to mention the fans. <br />
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Also, her death sucks. While Milton slowly dies on the other side of the room she takes eternity to free herself from the chair she's tied to, giving Milton enough time to become a walker and attack her. Every time we cut back to Andrea, she's chatting with Milton and not doing anything to free herself, despite Milton's repeated urgings to do just that. While we can chalk up Dawn's death--and to a lesser extent, the Governor's--to arrogance, Andrea's seems to be caused by her own stupidity. To see how despised she became by the fans, look at her last line to Rick. "I know how the safety works." This was certainly an attempt by the writers to make us feel nostalgic for how Andrea was in season 1. Except the last time she said that she was threatening to shoot Rick. If anything I'd say that line justified what happened to Andrea in the minds of the fans. She needed to go, pure and simple. Really, does anybody miss her?</div>
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3) The Governor--Seasons 3-4</div>
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The Gov's list of evil deeds is too long to go into now. Let's just look at the short list of some of the people he killed during his tenure: The national guard troops, Axel, Merle, the Woodbury army, Martinez, Pete, Milton, Andrea (somewhat indirectly) and Hershel. He planned to kill many more but his hatred of Rick got the better of him. And we haven't even mentioned the walker heads in the fish tanks or keeping his walker daughter "alive" and restrained in a locked cubby hole in his apartment so he can feed her fresh meat and brush her hair. <br />
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In the comic book, he was even worse and more depraved. He repeatedly beat and raped Michonne. He cut off Rick's hand. He beat Glenn. He didn't do any of that in the series, so I guess you could look at him here as a kinder, gentler version of the evil bastard he was in the comic book. This Governor was only about 98% evil. It was a very satisfying moment when Michonne ran her sword through his chest and then Lily shot him in the head. Might have been even better if he had been allowed to turn. Michonne could have used him as one of her camouflage walkers. <br />
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Given all the trouble The Governor caused you would think he'd be number 1 on this list. And he might be, maybe even <em>should be</em>, if not for two other characters. </div>
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2) Shane Walsh--Seasons 1-2</div>
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Rick's best friend since at least high school and his partner on the police force. Shane's story arc is similar to what it was in the comic book, although it takes longer to play out on the show. Let's look at the many reasons we cheered Shane's death. He sleeps with Lori and all but adopts Carl. Granted, he believes Rick is dead, but once Rick comes back, Shane is not pleased. When they're alone in the woods he gets Rick in his sights and nearly pulls the trigger. And that was in the 5th episode of the series! At the CDC a drunk Shane almost rapes Lori. He constantly challenges and pushes Rick, at first in private but later on in full view of the group. He threatens Dale. He straight up murders Otis. He busts open Hershel's barn and slaughters the walkers inside. Not really a bad thing, and it does finally put an end to the endless search for Sophia, but it does a number on the group's standing with Hershel. He nearly kills Rick when they drive Randall out to a secluded area far from the farm. Later he murders Randall and is about to murder Rick. Clearly he needed to go. Rick finally stabs him and then Carl shoots him when Shane comes back as a walker. Fans were totally cool with that. Lori, less so. (But we'll get to that in a minute.) </div>
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The irony is that now Rick has pretty much become Shane. Season 5 Rick wanted to kill the last of the Terminus people. He also wanted to rescue Beth and Carol by going into the hospital guns blazing. He ran down and then shot Officer Lampson. These are all things Shane would have done. It just took Rick a little longer to get there. Us, too.</div>
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1) Lori Grimes--Seasons 1-3</div>
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Was there any doubt? How useless was Lori Grimes? Too many reasons to list but we'll look at a couple of the big ones. </div>
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1) She sleeps with Shane. Okay, she thought her husband was dead. I get that. But how much time had passed since Rick's supposed death and the first time she bangs Shane? Couldn't have been too long. We know Shane was at the hospital when it lost power and he thought Rick had died in front of him. So how long did Rick lay there in the hospital bed? Couldn't have been more than a few days. Without food and water he would have been dead after maybe 3, 4 days, tops. So that's how much time passed between Shane scooping up Lori and Carl and then Rick waking up in the deserted hospital. Rick spends at least one day with Morgan and Dwayne before hitting the road for Atlanta. We don't know how long it took him to get there but it couldn't have been more than a day or two. Lori has sex with Shane in the 2nd episode, while Rick is already in Atlanta, trapped inside the tank. Also, this did not seem like the first time they got busy. So it took her all of 5-7 days to start sleeping with Shane after she thought her husband was dead. That's quick even for a porno! (Not that I would know of such things.)</div>
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2) She seems utterly oblivious that the world has ended. She treats the zombie apocalypse as if it's a minor inconvenience. She gives her son a haircut, doesn't seem to do much to help the group, doesn't cook or clean or protect the camp. She was actually pretty useless. Even in season 1, when Carol was a wallflower, she managed to have one great moment when she provided the means for the group to escape the CDC before it exploded. Lori drank wine and looked through the facility's selection of books. She forbids Carl from having a gun, sends him to the house every time danger threatens the group. She asks Glenn to get her a pregnancy test and then abortion pills. Even at the prison she sucks. Carl finds the infirmary and returns with medical supplies they'll need to keep Hershel alive. Lori berates him for going alone. That's the extent of her contribution to the group.</div>
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3) She shoves away her husband (literally) when he tells her what happened with Shane. I'm thinking maybe she was upset because Carl had to put him down. If so, Sarah Wayne Callies did a terrible job of conveying that. It looks an awful lot like she's upset that Shane is dead. It was like she was taking Shane's side against her own husband. I think that was the final straw as far as the fans were concerned. </div>
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4) She crashes Hershel's car on an empty road. </div>
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5) Even after she died she wouldn't leave us alone. She kept appearing to Rick as a ghost every time he was about to make a wrong decision. She talked to him on the phone. She's the reason he was in no man's land when the Governor first attacked the prison. Okay, okay, none of that was really her, I get that. But I also don't care. By that point everyone was so sick of Lori that having her hanging around like one of the ghosts at the Overlook Hotel just made her even more annoying. It was like the showrunners were getting in a few more shots at the fans before letting go of her. Very antagonistic. Thankfully, she hasn't shown up since so we may finally be free of her. We can hope.</div>
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There are a few people on the show now who might earn their way onto this list. All indications are the big bad from the comic book will soon be making his first appearance. So clearly there are things to look forward to. Maybe I'll do another one of these a few years from now when more of our "heroes" have shuffled loose the mortal coil. Might be interesting. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-67798761784921497312014-10-13T06:51:00.000-07:002014-10-13T06:51:42.942-07:00Why Carol Rules<div style="text-align: justify;">
Just a few thoughts I had after watching last night's season 5 premiere of <em>The Walking Dead</em>. Specifically, we're talking about Carol (Melissa McBride) and why she might be the biggest badass on the show. Major <strong><u>SPOILER</u> <u>ALERT</u></strong> right here.</div>
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Of all the characters on the show, Carol has grown the most. All the characters have shown growth in various ways but no one has had an arc like Carol. In season 1 she was a mousy woman who would jump out of her shoes if someone nearby belched. Most of her submissive behavior came from her fear of her husband, Ed. Ed was a dick who beat her on a regular basis and (likely) molested their daughter, Sophia. In fact, during most of season 1 Carol is relegated the laundry duty:</div>
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It's pretty obvious she would not have survived if not for her husband. She simply doesn't display any of the skills one would expect of someone capable of surviving this long in a world populated by cannibalistic corpses. Once Ed has assumed room temperature, Carol gets a little revenge. She obliterates her husband's heads with a pic axe, ostensibly to assure he doesn't come back as a walker. But there's way more to it than that. We're seeing years of repressed rage spilling out of her. This is a woman who has probably wanted to do something like this for a long time but never had the nerve. Now that her husband is dead she can stand up to him. Still not the kind of person you want watching your back in a crisis situation.</div>
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Later, when the group is trying to escape the CDC before the whole facility is blown sky high, Carol saves the day. The doors are locked and the group can't get through the bulletproof glass. Carol begins rummaging around in her bag. Shane tells her, "I don't think a nail file is gonna do it, Carol." It's pretty clear what Shane thinks of her because we're thinking the same thing. Of all the heavy hitters present (Rick, Shane, T-Dog, Glenn, Daryl), the last person we're expecting to save the day is Carol. We probably had more faith in Lori at that point! Carol comes up with a grenade she had found while washing Rick's pants. And the group is saved.</div>
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Season 2 Carol isn't much different from Season 1 Carol. She spends the first half of the season worrying about her daughter who has become separated from the group. Granted, it's a pretty serious situation and I can't fault her for that. When she finds out her daughter is dead and has become a walker, Carol is devastated. She spends the rest of season 2 in mourning. </div>
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Season 3 Carol is where we see a different character emerging. We learn she's become a good shot with a rifle. She goads Daryl into either leaving with her or taking control of the group from Rick. She cares for baby Judith. She cuts open a dead walker to practice her C-section technique in case she has to deliver Lori's baby. Season 1 Carol could never have done that. No way, no how. </div>
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She even stands up to Merle, who seems genuinely surprised by her transformation. She responds to the Governor's attack on the prison first by using Axel's dead body as a bullet shield and then grabbing a weapon and firing back at the attackers. Season 1 Carol would have shit her pants and fainted. She is no longer that person. She even tells Andrea she needs to sleep with the Governor and then kill him in his sleep. This Carol thinks ahead.</div>
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Season 4 Carol is a mover and a shaker who looks like she could survive all by her lonesome if needs be. She kills Karen and David because they're sick and she's trying to stop the super virus from spreading. She admits to Rick that she was the killer and he leaves her on the road with some supplies and a car. Rick is confident she can survive on her own and so are we.</div>
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When the prison falls the characters are scattered. Tyrese ends up with Lizzy the psycho and Mika and baby Judith. We're worried. Tyrese is a strong man but he doesn't seem to have the killer instinct. He's too nice a guy to survive like this, much less to be in charge of small children. As Tyrese leaves the girls to help a family under attack in the woods, walkers begin closing in. Cut to Tyrese in full fighting mode as walkers tear that family apart. When the fight is over we hear a female voice call to him. He turns to see the girls standing there with Carol. And everybody loved it. The audience perception is very clear: Everything will be okay now. Their chances of survival have just quadrupled. </div>
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Wait, when did we get that impression of Carol? Up to this point we've relied on the usual characters like Rick and Glenn. When did Carol join that group? I think fans were surprised at their own reaction to her return. That's good writing, and it's awesome acting on McBride's part.</div>
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Later on Carol is faced with the toughest choice of her life. When little Lizzie turns total psycho and murders her own sister to prove she'll come back just the same as before, Carol has a decision to make. It guts her. We can see it in every move she makes. Lizzie's comfort ritual is to "look at the flowers." Carol tells her to do just that and then shoots her in the back of the head. It's a soul-crushing decision and there are very few characters on the show who could have made it. Not Tyrese or Sasha or Maggie or Glenn. Not Michonne or Daryl. That McBride didn't get an Emmy nom for that episode is a crime. </div>
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Which brings us to season 5. Everyone but Carol, Tyrese and Judith are being held in Terminus and are about to be killed and cooked up by the cannibals who live there. There's no way out. Glenn, Daryl and Rick are first up and seconds away from being murdered. Carol sees this and she goes into action. She blows up a propane tank as a herd of walkers descends on Terminus. Camouflaging herself in walker blood Carol strolls through the streets of Terminus with the walkers, picking off Termites when she can. Terminus Mary gets the drop on her, but please. Mary has no chance. Carol shoots her in the leg, interrogates her, and then lets a bunch of walkers into the building to eat Mary alive. The bitch had it coming. </div>
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The group escapes Terminus thanks to Carol's actions. They're reunited in the woods, much to Daryl and Rick's delight (and ours, too). When Rick and Carl see baby Judith for the first time since the fall of the prison, they're overjoyed. That's thanks largely to Carol and Rick knows it. I think everyone else does, too. </div>
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Sidenote: In the comics, Carol never made it out of the prison. After ostracizing herself from the group she simply gives up. She intentionally walks into a zombie and lets it rip her throat out. Suicide by walker. I was a little nervous during season 4 that something similar might occur. When Rick learns Carol is responsible for killing Karen and David, I thought she might take that way out. But this Carol is much different (read: stronger) than the one in the comic. And I couldn't be happier. I'm sure I'm not alone in this.</div>
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So now we have kickass Carol, a character who has become one of the big guns of the group. She's also the only female character from season 1 who is still alive. Think about that for a minute. We have varying degrees of faith in Rick, Daryl, Michonne and Glenn, and now I think Carol is on the same level in the eyes of the fans. In season 4, Beth tells Daryl he'll be the last man standing. That might be true. But does anyone doubt Carol will be standing right next to him? Don't bet against her.</div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-80553556918811891492014-10-11T09:23:00.000-07:002014-10-11T09:23:42.926-07:00Movies I Shouldn't Watch (But Do Anyway)<div style="text-align: justify;">
I love October. It's all about Halloween, except at WalMart, where it's all about Christmas. But I digress. Most of the cable channels start up with the horror movies, most notably SyFy, Chiller, AMC and TCM. During October, especially when the Yankees are not playing post-season baseball, I watch a steady diet of horror movies and shows, like <em>The Walking Dea</em>d and <em>American Horror</em> <em>Story</em>, to name just two. </div>
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But some of those movies I like to watch suck. I know they suck. I've seen them several times and I'm convinced of their suckiness. For every <em>Thing From Another World</em> there are endless showings of <em>Friday the</em> <em>13th Part 7</em> and<em> Saw 3</em>. This blog isn't about those. Those movies are so terrible I can't bring myself to even turn them on. But there are some movies that suck and I force myself to watch them, anyway. I've seen them a dozen times, I know they're awful, but if they're on, I watch them. Quite a few movies fall into this category, unfortunately. I'll talk about a few of them.</div>
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The first is <em>Event Horizon</em> (1997). It has a cool premise. A ship with an experimental engine reappears after seven years and a rescue ship is sent to find out what happened. The cast is awesome: Lawrence Fishburne, Sean Pertwee, Sam Neill, Joely Richardson and Jason Isaacs, to name a few. With a cast like that, it should have been awesome. It isn't. </div>
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The effects are pretty good, the <em>Event Horizon</em> itself looks great, the dialogue isn't even that bad. But this is a definite case of the sum being less than its parts. I'm not even completely sure why it sucks, but it does. The plot is okay but the execution is dreadful. Some of the characters seem to have less than realistic reactions to what is happening around them. And the movie commits one cardinal sin that is all too common in "cheap-scare" movies:</div>
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Joely Richardson's character, first officer Starck, has a nightmare at movie's end. In the nightmare she sees Sam Neill's character with his face all fucked up, as it is the last time we see him. But she was not present in that scene. She has never seen him (or anyone else) with those ridiculous facial scars. But we have and so the moment is meant to scare us. But it doesn't make any sense from a storytelling standpoint. That kinda thing drives me nuts. </div>
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I really wish <em>Event Horizon</em> had been a good movie. I wanted it to be good, I expected it to be good and it sucked, instead. And when it's on TV you can bet I'll be watching it.</div>
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Let's talk about another piece of shit that I should know better than to watch. <em>Deep Rising</em> (1998). A band of mercenaries hires another band of mercenaries with a boat to take them out into the middle of the ocean. The goal of the first group is to raid a new cruise ship, and then to sink it (with the owner's approval) for the insurance money after the passengers and crew have taken to the lifeboats. But before they arrive a sea monster attacks the cruise ship and kills almost everyone aboard. I wish I was making that up.</div>
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This is another shitty movie with a decent cast: The king of the scenery chewers, Treat Williams, plays the main character, Finnegan. Famke Janssen, Wes Studi, Jason Flemying, Djimon Hounsou, and Cliff Curtis (so awesome in <em>Sunshine</em>) fill out the cast. I admit they do a decent job with the lousy dialogue they're forced to recite, and a few of them manage to look serious during the scenes that call for them to act so, but, wow, does this movie suck. When we finally see the sea monster behind it all, it looks like this:</div>
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It's ridiculous, of course. Something that size that allegedly lives at very deep depths but has very sharp teeth (indicating it is a carnivore) would need to eat an awful lot of fishies to attain that size. And if it does live that deep how does it survive the pressure at surface level? And how can it exist in an oxygen atmosphere, as it does inside the bow of the cruise liner? Granted, these are serious questions for a movie that can't be taken seriously, but still, give the audience a little credit. Awful, just awful.</div>
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Let's turn our attention to another less-than-stellar effort, <em>The Mummy Returns</em> (2001). It's not as bad as the others we've discussed so far. Most of my problems with this movie are how it relates to the its predecessor, <em>The Mummy</em> (1999). I liked the first one. I tried not to. It wasn't at all like the original from 1932. This one was more like What if Indiana Jones fought the mummy? But I did like it, in spite of myself. I liked it a lot. <em>Don't judge me!</em> But the sequel? Meh.</div>
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Most of the cast from the first came back for the sequel. They need better agents. My problems with <em>TMR</em> started right off the bat. The first 10 minutes managed about 20 thefts from the first movie, and they all fell flat. I'm thinking the producers looked at what the audience liked from the first and simply brought them over for the sequel. But <em>TMR</em> is a different kind of movie from the original and it shouldn't have been treated the same way. And would it have killed them to have any original ideas for this one?</div>
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Yes, Imhotep is back (again). Yes, Anck-su-Namun is back (again). We see the dead city of Hammunaptra (again), despite its utter destruction at the end of the first movie that resulted in it being buried under a billion tons of sand. Someone opens the stupid chest and brings the curse of the mummy upon themselves (again). Imhotep takes control of water (instead of sand) to swat a flying machine from the sky. And we have the soldier mummies (again) who are used mostly for comic relief this time around. WTF.</div>
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The one new aspect the creators tossed at us was the revelation that Evie (Rachel Weis) is the reincarnation of Neferteri, an Egyptian princess. What??? Okay, even if we pretend that makes sense, it brings up some problems for the previous movie. Since she knew Imhotep back in the day, why didn't he recognize her during the events of the first movie? Shouldn't he have said something like, "Hey, Neferteri, how ya been all these years?" And since we also learn that she and Anck-su-Namun were enemies back then, their struggle during the first movie's climax should have had her much more aggressive. Here, look, they fought each other 5,000 years ago:</div>
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With Japanese sais, no less! They seem to have to correct amount of hostility toward each other this time around, at least, but I think this should have been addressed in the prior movie. Except no one had thought of this stupid plot twist at the time. </div>
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Then we have The Rock. He's the Scorpion King. Whatever. He sucks in this. Plus, when he makes a dramatic return during the climax he's in really shitty CG that I don't feel like screencapping so look it up yourself or take my word. Two years after <em>The Matrix</em> and <em>The Phantom Menace</em>, I would have expected better CG from a Universal flick.</div>
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Then there's the 2004 remake of Romero's brilliant <em>Dawn of the Dead</em>. The original rocks in every sense of the word. The remake sucks balls. The premise is basically the same: Zombie outbreak, civilization crumbling, survivors find relative safety in a mall. Except these survivors are assholes who are just about impossible to root for. And director Zack Snyder committed the ultimate sin: He gave us fast zombies. I fucking hate fast zombies. (The sole exception to this is <em>28 Days</em> <em>Later</em>, since those weren't true zombies, just infected people, which I can buy into.) As far as I'm concerned, Romero's zombie rules cannot be broken except by the man himself. Snyder isn't even close to Romero. </div>
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The cast was okay but nothing special. Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames and Ty Burrell are probably the most-known of the cast. They at least try to convince us they're taking this whole end-of-the-world thing seriously, but either they weren't good enough actors or the director didn't do his job. Either way, this movie sucks.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Slow the fuck down, assholes.</span></div>
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Let's do another one. <em>Night of the Creeps</em> (1986). Awful? Yes. But I doubt anyone connected with this movie thought they were making <em>Casablanca</em>. If a movie is intentionally cheesy and awful, is it fair to lump it into a list of others that tried to make something of quality? I don't know. Probably not.</div>
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Yes, this movie is terrible. Bad acting, bad makeup, bad dialogue (dreadful dialogue, in fact) but it's so much fun I can't stay mad at this. I laugh at all the wrong spots, and cringe in others. This is one of those It's-so-bad-it's-brilliant movies, like <em>Plan 9 From Outer Space</em>. In fact, I think Ed Wood would have made this if given the chance. That's not usually a compliment but I think this time it is. I'd watch <em>NotC </em>right now if it was on. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMg5Z3loZ3L5V_kzTvKxAwfFPypWteFuvJvz1mCqUY8wcuPWNgZ_snzVlHHVfejcoXBOB3156kf3AV7d7ClUMWpVa3q2CFolj_ayqeJcAzy9lIsIzxXpW12i7siorAwDqI46Q67Oj0iwcF/s1600/13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMg5Z3loZ3L5V_kzTvKxAwfFPypWteFuvJvz1mCqUY8wcuPWNgZ_snzVlHHVfejcoXBOB3156kf3AV7d7ClUMWpVa3q2CFolj_ayqeJcAzy9lIsIzxXpW12i7siorAwDqI46Q67Oj0iwcF/s1600/13.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Yes, this really happens!</span></div>
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One last one before we call it a day. <em>Virus </em>(1999), starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland and Cliff Curtis (maybe he needs a better agent, too). This is definitely the shittiest of these movies. Almost nothing works here. The story is adapted from a comic book that I read and liked. The movie sucks. An alien made of energy finds its way down to a Russian research ship and turns the crew into half-human/half-machine drones. It's even worse than it sounds. </div>
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Our heroes are the crew of a tug boat who come upon the ship and try to take it for salvage, seeing a big payday for themselves. Things quickly go south when the alien wakes up and starts turning the tug crew into cyborgs. I hate when that happens.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Resistance might not be futile because this is a dumb movie.</span></div>
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The makeup effects aren't too bad. They're not great but they're watchable. The dialogue sucks, the sets suck, the acting sucks, just about everything sucks. This is probably the movie I'm least-inclined to watch of those on this list. There's at least a little fun to be had with the others but this is a joyless, colorless movie that lacks even a single redeeming quality. Come to think of it, I should probably take it off the list. It's so shitty I really have no desire to ever watch it again.</div>
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There are others, I'm sure. Plenty of others. These are the movies that I came up with after about 10 seconds of thought. What about you? </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-50090711747806853072013-11-29T13:18:00.004-08:002013-11-29T13:18:59.988-08:00On the Ocean Floor, No One Can Hear You Complain About Lousy Movies<div style="text-align: justify;">
In 1989, for reasons known only to the gods of Hollywood, we were treated to no fewer than three suspense movies that took place at facilities on the ocean floor. The first two were billed as straight-up horror movies, which, of course, caught my attention. Plus, I had to admit, there had not been a whole lot of movies in that setting. So, my curiosity piqued, I had to check them out. </div>
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The first was <em>Deep Star Six</em>.</div>
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I actually like the one-sheet. That's a pretty cool image and tells you a lot about the setting and genre of the movie, so kudos for that. I also like the title. It's mysterious and cool. The story was about some Navy people in a rig at the bottom of the ocean who encounter a heretofore-unknown sea creature that goes about terrorizing and eating them. If that sounds cheesy, well, I'm not doing it justice because it was god-awful.</div>
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Who greenlit this piece of shit? The writing sucks, the directing sucks, the acting sucks (well, most of it. See below.), the sets suck, and the creature itself makes the rubber Godzilla outfits from the 60s look like Industrial Light and Magic-caliber CGI. I'm not kidding. This is what the thing looks like:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_iFiouaDcPUewXmBx83X507eDurq8fHf83IOvh31_tQII31KrzQSJNqldU9wGPO1yANr14bDFBwDRCDHGwD7OO6tt0CG8MzmZzaypgUkIrjV-X29T0iqUUb-JkcI6bP_rxJtBMcuex5Hw/s1600/2a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_iFiouaDcPUewXmBx83X507eDurq8fHf83IOvh31_tQII31KrzQSJNqldU9wGPO1yANr14bDFBwDRCDHGwD7OO6tt0CG8MzmZzaypgUkIrjV-X29T0iqUUb-JkcI6bP_rxJtBMcuex5Hw/s320/2a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Did I lie? There are a few recognizable actors running about in this piece of shit and they should all be ashamed of themselves. Matt McCoy and Greg Evigan (yes, from <em>BJ and the Bear</em>!) are probably the two at least some of you will recognize. They suck in this movie. Big surprise there. If not for IMDB.com I wouldn't even know the other people in this movie, and I'm sure they'd be happier that way. Awful. Just awful.</div>
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But there was one bright spot in this underwater piece of shit. I don't know how they convinced him to do it, but they somehow got Miguel Ferrer to show up. Granted, he's not a Nicholson-level star, but he's damned talented and he should have had a much more successful career than he's had. I hate to say it, but maybe if he made better choices than this he would have had more success. I like him as an actor, truly, and I've yet to see him give a bad performance. He's even decent in this. God knows how.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4QpJNpUde-k71wZjOvlONKNbPjc4zqXWoRfsyCqNqpRgKqKov0JXEi7_BVQNKMv5KobrI-RHhJizqCn093BCGXaNt28MEAQF8zhUr7hQJ-m7NaWPTTumMs4DrHOaRd1_wX55L59gDMSoG/s1600/1a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="135" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4QpJNpUde-k71wZjOvlONKNbPjc4zqXWoRfsyCqNqpRgKqKov0JXEi7_BVQNKMv5KobrI-RHhJizqCn093BCGXaNt28MEAQF8zhUr7hQJ-m7NaWPTTumMs4DrHOaRd1_wX55L59gDMSoG/s320/1a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Aside from Mr. Ferrer, the rest of this movie sucks. And I don't mean in a <em>Plan Nine From Outer</em> <em>Space</em> good kind of suck, either. That movie can be very entertaining. I've watched it myself many times and laughed at every viewing. This movie makes me want to cry. Avoid this at all costs.</div>
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The second movie taking us to the ocean floor wasn't as bad as <em>Deep Star Six</em>. That's not saying much. In fact, it's saying nothing at all. It's not a great movie, it's not even a good movie, but it has a few moments that are not-shitty and we'll have to settle for that. The title is <em>Leviathan</em>. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz8FzYqYNJ8NASBIA2-sz_LyLdHqBIeXhsy_8bNDas_H-tPt1z8vGNQUAUqyIMZEM_ZqQMIuMzsZ4Ac81634SoGt32Pp8nrsC_jQLAyP9TLTooGFzo-aVBhu_6y0vQLISB27Xs5huIfKGV/s1600/1b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz8FzYqYNJ8NASBIA2-sz_LyLdHqBIeXhsy_8bNDas_H-tPt1z8vGNQUAUqyIMZEM_ZqQMIuMzsZ4Ac81634SoGt32Pp8nrsC_jQLAyP9TLTooGFzo-aVBhu_6y0vQLISB27Xs5huIfKGV/s320/1b.jpg" width="217" /></a></div>
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This one, at least, has some decent actors on the screen. The lead character is played by Peter Weller. Like Miguel Ferrer, I wish someone could explain to me why he hasn't had a Brad Pitt-type career in Hollywood. This man can <em>act</em>. Talent-wise, he's better than a lot of the actors collecting $20 million salaries. In a better world, he'd be up there with Clooney and Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson. He's not, though, and we'll have to be okay with that.</div>
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We also see Ernie Hudson, Hector Elizondo (!), that hot chick from <em>The Flash</em> TV show, Richard Crenna and, somehow, Daniel Stern. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_z5e71_UU0Aty3nPLrpILxsQ61HUHtlZni4WOXz62N_ZC-zWpubqE1FYKPpzndgNFntamJ6FeYJhKuRrXO8U_u_P4BBr-uGVNpdfeZf_-4OzJSaYObADPB7fhHjNvi6EmQyAWDBy1F74N/s1600/3b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_z5e71_UU0Aty3nPLrpILxsQ61HUHtlZni4WOXz62N_ZC-zWpubqE1FYKPpzndgNFntamJ6FeYJhKuRrXO8U_u_P4BBr-uGVNpdfeZf_-4OzJSaYObADPB7fhHjNvi6EmQyAWDBy1F74N/s1600/3b.jpg" /></a></div>
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Some undersea miners encounter a sunken Russian ship nearby and recover a chest that happens to have some tainted vodka in it. Drinking it infects the individual with mutant DNA that turns them into fishmen. Okay, I know that sounds bad. The movie is even worse. It's a cross between <em>Alien</em> (see the pic above) and <em>John Carpenter's The Thing</em>. Both those movies rock to perfection. This one just plain sucks.</div>
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I almost forgot, it does have one other thing going for it: Meg Foster. She's an actress who could only have been successful in the 80s. She's known the world over for her creepy/sexy/they-come-in-that-color-? eyes. See for yourself:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHfwglj4Urwx1zTFFMtguP9Yk6oSRqTDf2j6JihAA7QS8qJ5qNfJGzUv0v2B-W3X2gTDa5QegG4uFdDRREWlZiTOgm1M7QAoTa9F6EHBJEQjzEPj15YLLTezrWy7jucAXIaP9e89s5hz9n/s1600/5b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHfwglj4Urwx1zTFFMtguP9Yk6oSRqTDf2j6JihAA7QS8qJ5qNfJGzUv0v2B-W3X2gTDa5QegG4uFdDRREWlZiTOgm1M7QAoTa9F6EHBJEQjzEPj15YLLTezrWy7jucAXIaP9e89s5hz9n/s1600/5b.jpg" /></a></div>
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She's also widely known for her role in John Carpenter's <em>They Live!</em> And while she didn't participate in that movie's infamous fistfight over putting on a pair of sunglasses, she pretty much dominated the movie, anyway. She doesn't get a lot to do here but she's still cool and, wow, <em>those eyes</em>! 'nuff said.</div>
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<em>Leviathan</em> sucks but it's not a total loss. It could have been better, should have been better, but it isn't and this is what we're stuck with.</div>
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It was with heavy heart that I went to the theatre to see the third underwater movie of the year. It was written and directed by the same guy who did <em>The Terminator</em> and <em>Aliens</em>, so I was desperately hopeful. Those are two of the greatest movies I've ever seen. Still, when the houselights went down and the movie was about to start, I kinda cringed and thought, <em>Please don't suck. Please don't suck.</em> Over and over again, like a mantra.</div>
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I didn't have to worry. <em>The Abyss</em> rocked from start to finish. Here's what you can do with a talented writer/director and a budget and a cast full of decent actors. Ed Harris, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Michael Biehn all kick ass in this movie. Frankly, they had me at Ed Harris; I consider him one of the ten best actors alive right now. </div>
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More undersea hijinks, only this time everything makes sense. Imagine that! The people at an underwater drilling platform are sent to aid the crew of a downed American submarine. They're too late to save the poor bastards but they encounter something else while they're down there: a (possibly) alien race and city that, in the extended version, at least, are getting annoyed with how the human race is always one heartbeat away from nuclear war. A perfect theme for the time when the Cold War was coming to an end. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQC2ACC5jOQ0AFibAENvfNMJLa7pXXkTZKqq5scdPRHlSWfa8OMmtT98Ei6tYf69l_ID7FHCiiRi3W46lcaTWlahLs2FDCLgAoNCcGFsFgeVRPNqpoOPZUd6O-IEm6oCQEwd5riccPGvPB/s1600/2c.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQC2ACC5jOQ0AFibAENvfNMJLa7pXXkTZKqq5scdPRHlSWfa8OMmtT98Ei6tYf69l_ID7FHCiiRi3W46lcaTWlahLs2FDCLgAoNCcGFsFgeVRPNqpoOPZUd6O-IEm6oCQEwd5riccPGvPB/s1600/2c.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The pseudopod was created by ILM's Pixar system. </span></div>
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I think this is the movie that cemented my opinion of James Cameron. It was here that I really started to like him. I'm a fan to this day, even if <em>Avatar</em> was a bit overblown. I go to his movies now based entirely on the strength of what he's done before and I haven't been disappointed yet. </div>
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Is <em>The Abyss</em> great? I don't know, probably not. Is it good? Hell, yes! Of all the bottom-of-the-ocean movies from 1989, it's the only one that wasn't straight-up horror, and thus it should have been my least-favorite of the three. In fact, I like it the best. It's not even close.</div>
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We're going on twenty-five years since Hollywood mugged us with two shitty movies (and one good one) that took us to the ocean floor. Isn't it time for some remakes? Or at least better efforts to make us forget about these assaults on decency? Both Peter Weller and Miguel Ferrer are still acting and still doing it well. Give them a shot at redemption. Give Ed Harris anything he wants. Let's get some decent underwater movies on the screen. </div>
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If you want, I can be talked into the movie rights for <em>The Last Battleship</em>. Anything <strike>for a seven-figure payday </strike>to help the cause.</div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-81034837971443922792013-09-29T10:21:00.000-07:002013-09-29T10:21:27.969-07:00Judging a Book By Its Cover<div style="text-align: justify;">
For some authors, the really big names, the cover image simply isn't important. I'm sure they want a decent cover for their new novel but I'm willing to bet they don't stay awake at night hoping the artist comes through. The authors who succeed by name recognition simply don't need to concern themselves with that. Is a fan of John Grisham's really going to pass on his latest book because they don't like the cover? Doubtful. Did JK Rowling agonize over each and every <em>Harry Potter</em> cover? Unlikely. Frankly, the next Stephen King novel could have a pile of rubber dogshit on the cover and people would still buy it. The big guns have the freedom to concentrate on telling their story and most probably don't give much thought to the cover.<br />
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Then there's every other author on earth.</div>
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When it came time for a cover to be created for my first novel, I was a bit nervous. Okay, that's not entirely true. I was terrified. My terror came from two facts that I hadn't spent much time contemplating before then: 1) I can't draw worth a shit so someone else would have to do it; and 2) Someone else would have to do it. Allow me a moment to explain.<br />
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I spent almost two and a half years writing <em>The Last Battleship</em>. No one knew I was writing it, not family, not friends, no one. I spent uncountable hours getting the story to where I wanted it to go. Endless editing and rewrites, sometimes to the point of deleting entire chapters because they didn't work. I consulted no one, answered to no one. During those two and a half years it was just me and my characters. <br />
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And then came the professional editing. No matter how great your manuscript is, the editor is going to want changes made. No editor is going to go to the publisher and tell them your manuscript is flawless and requires no changes. Editors who do that quickly become ex-editors. So they're going to make you change things. Not huge, story-altering changes, but changes nonetheless. That's an odd situation in which to find oneself. Haven't you spent a lot of time with these characters? Don't you know them best? Who does this editor think he/she is, demanding you make changes? But they do. And you have to roll with them. I've been lucky. I've worked with editors who have made very minimal requests of me (for the most part) and the changes have been easy to swallow (again, for the most part). <br />
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It's still such an odd situation to let someone else touch your baby in so intimate a manner. But that pales in comparison to turning your baby over to a complete stranger and trusting them to whip up a great cover for you. <br />
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Publishers will send over something called the Cover Art Form. This is the author's opportunity to paint a mental picture of what he/she thinks would make a great cover. Sometimes the artist will even read it. The rest of the time they'll read the cover blurb and whip up something they think best captures the spirit of the work based on those few short paragraphs the author used to tell prospective readers about the plot of their novel. That's where the terror part comes in. There is no way,<em> no way,</em> an artist completely unfamiliar with the nuances of the story can create a drawing that captures the spirit of the novel. But that's what you have to deal with as an author with no measurable artistic ability.<br />
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I got lucky. Right out of the gate I learned the cover duties for <em>The Last Battleship</em> were assigned to Taria A. Reed. Never heard of her. But what she did was create a cover image that wasn't very far off from what I was picturing in my head. Here it is:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJpG_Ah9S3itYVnGqUIwBaoIz8psKNvAN_S9Y2CbIABdLeknqan6ieXo6OMVHIy12k7afVGMmz-BXsKNzqHufUVrzOKOKIR5oqdshrmIkw3uo253QqkTiiWExgzaCZxt7FwSmUQFpe3tEj/s1600/tlb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJpG_Ah9S3itYVnGqUIwBaoIz8psKNvAN_S9Y2CbIABdLeknqan6ieXo6OMVHIy12k7afVGMmz-BXsKNzqHufUVrzOKOKIR5oqdshrmIkw3uo253QqkTiiWExgzaCZxt7FwSmUQFpe3tEj/s320/tlb.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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I asked for a few minor changes to the original image. For one thing, I had her ditch all the little fishies she had swimming around. I believe I even said something along the lines of, "This is a horror novel, not <em>Finding Nemo</em>!" She removed all the critters and the end result is what you see here. Pretty damned good, if you ask me. </div>
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I became friends with Taria on Facebook and we chatted back and forth a few times. When I was going to New Jersey last year I arranged to meet up with her. I started talking about my second novel, <em>Moon Dust</em>, which had sold in a preposterously short amount of time. I knew Taria was working for this publisher as well and I really wanted her to be the cover artist. I mentioned it to the publisher but had received a noncommital response. I was worried I'd get some hack who didn't know anything creating a cover that sucked. The way I looked at it, I'd been lucky once. No reason to push it now. So I told Taria about the image I had in my head for <em>Moon Dust</em>. That same day she whipped up a preliminary design that wound up close to the published version. This is it right here:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpYFNq15IpTNPHR_GeFfTE-UCLx6ny8gDRemmGVzewlOZ1h9juPQIt4l1z5hUcRIgsUkf0RXxY-8O5G55_quOviZDsi_PSV4Jw5bfaGKGMMGHGPO8GSKmF_gngS2zaV5DELz7deBB3Ir4a/s1600/MDcover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpYFNq15IpTNPHR_GeFfTE-UCLx6ny8gDRemmGVzewlOZ1h9juPQIt4l1z5hUcRIgsUkf0RXxY-8O5G55_quOviZDsi_PSV4Jw5bfaGKGMMGHGPO8GSKmF_gngS2zaV5DELz7deBB3Ir4a/s320/MDcover.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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That is as close to humanly possible to the image I described to her that day in Red Bank. I was overjoyed. The publisher, less so. Oh, they liked the cover, liked it a lot. But they weren't crazy about me doing an end-run around them and consulting with the cover artist myself. Tough titties. All I cared about was having a kick-ass cover on the novel I spent a year and a half of my life writing. And I got it. Bully for me! And for Taria, who seems incapable of creating a bad cover.</div>
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I think perhaps I'll always be nervous when it comes time to hand over the novel, story and characters I've spent so much time with to someone else. That's just how I am. Either that, or I'll have to learn how to draw. But since that's never going to happen I guess I'm stuck with the nervousness. It's a small price to pay for being able to do what I love, and to make a few bucks doing it. </div>
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The cover for novel #3, <em>Dark Annie</em>, was not created by Taria A. Reed, much as I tried to talk the publisher into making it happen. As the novel's publication date drew nearer and I had seen no preliminary artwork my nervousness ratcheted up quite a bit. Then I received the "first draft" of the cover. I asked for a few small changes. The artist obliged. Here's what she created:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpB-dsvsAirrm1YNA1IPhu7S2kaR8_1zEUDWUjxw4ERZT_d0tKG0p_Ap9uxQ4rogEZ6Ndy8VaOoe3lZPP-x9uoGct-_6_J1dv6hLM0LAuGqXmXk6u-99YTyywPvuuBuyvHJUTEQJJ6UpcM/s1600/DarkAnnieCover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpB-dsvsAirrm1YNA1IPhu7S2kaR8_1zEUDWUjxw4ERZT_d0tKG0p_Ap9uxQ4rogEZ6Ndy8VaOoe3lZPP-x9uoGct-_6_J1dv6hLM0LAuGqXmXk6u-99YTyywPvuuBuyvHJUTEQJJ6UpcM/s320/DarkAnnieCover.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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Her name is Clarissa Yeo and she's from Shanghai and she knocked this one so far out of the park even Mickey Mantle would be impressed. <br />
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It's not the cover image I had in my head, not even close. In fact, other than my description of Dark Annie herself there's virtually nothing on this cover that came from me. And I like this one better than the one I had in my head. Loads better. I think it sets the tone perfectly. I doubt anyone knocking around Barnes and Noble will see this and mistake it for a nonfiction firsthand account of a Ferris wheel being built next to a woman's dilapidated schoolhouse. <br />
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(Don't laugh. Some idiot blasted me on Amazon because he thought <em>The Last Battleship</em> was a historical account and was deeply disappointed when he discovered it's sci fi. He never bothered to read the description or any of the reviews, and he obviously didn't read the novel, either, because he labeled it sci fi when it doesn't even come close to being a sci fi story.)<br />
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So I'm pretty happy with this cover. And I'm pretty happy with the previous two covers as well. So far I've been lucky. I've been gifted some pretty good cover artists who know what they're doing and they've come through for me every time. I cannot thank them enough.<br />
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Until the next time. When I'll be nervous all over again. But for now, you're looking at a content author. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-28912463188365342602013-08-03T13:15:00.001-07:002013-08-03T13:15:46.344-07:00Spreading the Sunshine<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm gonna try something different this time around. I'm going to review a movie, and a damned good one, if you ask me. You didn't, but since you're reading this I'm gonna assume you take my opinion as gospel. I'll try to live up to your faith in me. </div>
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In 2007, Danny Boyle, director of brilliant movies like <em>Trainspotting</em> and<em> 28 Days Later,</em> tried his hand at sci fi with this little-seen and hopelessly-neglected movie titled<em> Sunshine</em>. Admittedly it doesn't sound like great sci fi with a lame title like that, which might possibly explain why genre fans have never heard of it, much less seen it. I think "Sunlight" would have been a better title but no one asked me. Regardless, I'm about to lay some knowledge on you about this awesome and brilliant movie in the hopes you'll give it a go. You won't be disappointed.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8hzWPKszcr_ZfbjZ4tYy2qFp-TOm1ox8CoyqzYUsPK3wEqTDkPNtSNyFnmt3W70vuueGMLg7oBP0BaVGvlk8aQ-9MZdh-khZDWuFTbYuY8c1gFsEXa2xs1qydTohKUBwgfT6_VNcMO1xK/s1600/s1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8hzWPKszcr_ZfbjZ4tYy2qFp-TOm1ox8CoyqzYUsPK3wEqTDkPNtSNyFnmt3W70vuueGMLg7oBP0BaVGvlk8aQ-9MZdh-khZDWuFTbYuY8c1gFsEXa2xs1qydTohKUBwgfT6_VNcMO1xK/s320/s1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is the opening voiceover from Cillian Murphy's character: "Our sun is dying. Mankind faces extinction. Seven years ago the <em>Icarus Project</em> sent a mission to restart the sun, but that mission was lost before it reached the star. Sixteen months ago, I, Robert Capa, and a crew of seven left earth frozen in a solar winter. Our payload, a stellar bomb with a mass equivalent to Manhattan Island. Our purpose, to create a star within a star. Eight astronauts strapped to the back of a bomb. <em>My</em> bomb. Welcome to the <em>Icarus II</em>."<br />
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It's written by Alex Garland, who has worked with Danny Boyle on the two movies mentioned above as well as <em>The Beach</em> and other worthy endeavors. The story and screenplay are airtight. I wish I had written this. For an author, that's the highest compliment possible. This is what I refer to as "smart sci fi." By that I mean the situations and the technology in this movie are not the stuff of fantasy. There's no warp drive or lightsabres to be found. This could happen. It's easy enough to believe mankind is even now capable of building a ship like the <em>Icarus II</em>. Here's a look: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihoDOgfyyeHvuT5iZi2-ORpkHKnECXVnJ2A08WcjrOMDhoXtrcCrWXFQrndUJNPM66AuwsIj2FxBIWYfkfuZBOFMxCdjwbulM9PT7s6B4BuetEFzZCa5RU9JB46tK9wI4J9cMXq2WoCbzG/s1600/s21.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihoDOgfyyeHvuT5iZi2-ORpkHKnECXVnJ2A08WcjrOMDhoXtrcCrWXFQrndUJNPM66AuwsIj2FxBIWYfkfuZBOFMxCdjwbulM9PT7s6B4BuetEFzZCa5RU9JB46tK9wI4J9cMXq2WoCbzG/s320/s21.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCUYQ9msGxIeX28q8Co4ziG5Bzy8JNI3G65U5G01RYG0UtO6ce_YHiz_7yTF3kmwMJbjcxy5RsHTZk9GkXIZg8UO1aK3ZqgvpaGkBcCy4NlF6qdeijiZCp4IzFXnsLM0pGWPvRoRHT4trL/s1600/s7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCUYQ9msGxIeX28q8Co4ziG5Bzy8JNI3G65U5G01RYG0UtO6ce_YHiz_7yTF3kmwMJbjcxy5RsHTZk9GkXIZg8UO1aK3ZqgvpaGkBcCy4NlF6qdeijiZCp4IzFXnsLM0pGWPvRoRHT4trL/s320/s7.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The bulky and heavy spacesuits were based, in part, on Kenny from <em>South Park</em>!</span></div>
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The only real technological conceit the filmmakers made was the artificial gravity aboard the ship. I can live with that. It was certainly cheaper than attaching wires to every actor in every scene in order to simulate weightlessness. That aside, and, I suppose, the stellar bomb itself, there is no technology presented in the movie that we either don't already have or we believe we can create. To me this puts it in the same category as <em>2001</em> and, to a lesser extent, <em>Alien</em>. That's right, I just compared this movie favorably to two of the best sci fi movies ever made. It's that good.</div>
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The cast is awesome. The captain of the <em>Icarus II</em> is Kaneda, played by Hiroyuki Sanada, known as "the Harrison Ford of Japan." Fans of<em> Lost</em> will recognize him as Dogen, the leader of the Others at that strange temple on the island. He kicks ass in this movie.</div>
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The rest of the crew is made up of great actors perfectly cast. They are:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihTnOclLuLNzCOmFRuw_QmU5f1808JLNzRFwTlmczIOSv2v0AISBloaWMDtw2YBtIyTnBeW6Fb8H6m2QUxITgSKGYz0JbOeRY3QhqghKAUEhHP50JhXNcmMvgtrLlXWhziSyXVpXeGaB9j/s1600/s2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="144" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihTnOclLuLNzCOmFRuw_QmU5f1808JLNzRFwTlmczIOSv2v0AISBloaWMDtw2YBtIyTnBeW6Fb8H6m2QUxITgSKGYz0JbOeRY3QhqghKAUEhHP50JhXNcmMvgtrLlXWhziSyXVpXeGaB9j/s320/s2.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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Troy Garity as first officer Harvey; Cillian Murphy as payload specialist Capa; Michelle Yeoh as Corazon; the gorgeous-beyond-words Rose Byrne as Cassie; Cliff Curtis as Dr. Searle; Benedict Wong as Trey; and Chris "Captain America" Evans as Mace. Each and every character in this movie has a distinct personality and you believe they would have been chosen to carry out a mission as important as this one. Kudos to the casting director.</div>
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As the<em> Icarus II</em> prepares to slingshot around Mercury (the planet, not the lead singer of Queen) they pick up an automatic distress signal from the <em>Icarus I</em>, lost seven years earlier. The crew are split on whether or not to go to their aid but circumstances force them to do just that. They locate their sister ship:</div>
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and go to their rescue:</div>
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This is the part where I put in a giant <strong><em>SPOILER ALERT</em></strong>. If you plan to see the movie you might want to stop reading here and skip to the end. </div>
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The <em>Icarus I</em> is powerless although life support is functioning. The interior of the ship is covered with dust. The boarding party finds the crew in the observation room, burned to death. A cryptic log entry made by the <em>Icarus I</em>'s captain, Pinbacker (played to the hilt by perennial bad guy Mark Strong) indicates the crew abandoned their mission because they felt God intended for mankind to die and it was not their place to question His will. And then the shit hits the fan. An explosion separates the two ships, stranding Mace, Capa, Searle and Harvey aboard the derelict <em>Icarus I</em>. </div>
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They come up with a daring plan to make it back aboard their ship. The results are mixed, to say the least. Once back aboard their own ship the survivors continue their mission. But a lethal stowaway has other plans for them. When Capa realizes there's someone on the ship with them he tracks their mystery guest to the observation room. It doesn't go well.</div>
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The intruder finds a way to shut down the <em>Icarus II</em>. Realizing the only way they can complete their mission and save mankind is to separate the payload and force it into the sun, Capa sets about doing just that, even though it will kill him and the rest of his crew. It is a thrilling sequence. See for yourself:</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Capa flies between the <em>Icarus II</em> and the payload.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLOkHhSmSLRU_aH4sEXc3nDw-E9Rl2yNGrGKHayGZtG4EFYvIeWkhpQMfU-qmAKg5krgBTJJBnhlu_drrX4ox5sKa6PJ1Y7TAesuRi3GrkxGvIeZoVsbsLC1PVSbe6r0Jg8z81dTOcHa13/s1600/s13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLOkHhSmSLRU_aH4sEXc3nDw-E9Rl2yNGrGKHayGZtG4EFYvIeWkhpQMfU-qmAKg5krgBTJJBnhlu_drrX4ox5sKa6PJ1Y7TAesuRi3GrkxGvIeZoVsbsLC1PVSbe6r0Jg8z81dTOcHa13/s320/s13.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The payload boosters fire, destroying the <em>Icarus II</em>'s heatshield.</span></div>
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When Capa finally boards the payload, he sees this:</div>
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Trapped aboard a giant bomb falling into the sun and stalked by a psychotic religious nut, can Capa survive long enough to activate the stellar bomb? What do you think?</div>
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<strong>End <em>SPOILER ALERT</em></strong>. </div>
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This movie kicks one hundred different kinds of ass. It is whip-smart, character-driven (after you get past the reason for them being out in space) and one hell of a great ride. Seriously, you owe it to yourself to check this out. I rate this movie 5/5 stars. It's as good as is humanly possible. Go see it and get back to me. You'll be glad you did.</div>
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And before we end this review, one more shot of the beautiful Rose Byrne.</div>
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You're welcome. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-26961900978540986352013-06-27T11:11:00.001-07:002013-06-27T11:11:30.824-07:00Things You Shouldn't Say To An Author<div style="text-align: justify;">
Being a professional author is a pretty sweet gig and I won't claim otherwise. Since the publication of my premiere novel, <em>The Last Battleship</em>, I seem to have entered into a hitherto unknown social paradigm wherein poeple, both those I know well and total strangers, fell free to hit me with some of the following statements/questions. They range from the innocent-but-no-less-insulting to the truly bizarre. While there are any number of things one can say to an author, they aren't on this list. If your intent is to insult or anger the author, however, here's where you start.</div>
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1) <em>"I'd like to write a novel but I don't have the time."</em> This might be the most common statement I hear and it's a double-whammy insult. First, it implies that anyone can write a novel; second, it also implies the author has nothing better do do with his/her time. Both statements are equally untrue. If I sound harsh or condescending, well, I don't mean it that way. </div>
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The fact is writing a full-length novel is not easy. If it was, everyone would do it. To paraphrase another author, "You look at a blank computer screen and take the same twenty-six letters of the alphabet and combine them and recombine them tens of thousands of times until they make a coherent and publishable story that people actually want to read." If that sounds easy you clearly have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. </div>
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The second part of that statement is just as bad. It makes the author sound like someone who leads a life empty of anything meaningful. After all, if you check off the hours of the day doing nothing but writing, you must not have anything better to do. I suppose if I didn't write novels I could work on that cure for cancer but I guess I'm just too lazy. Hence the writing.</div>
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2) <em>"I have a great idea for a novel. If I give it to you, can you write it and we'll share the byline?"</em> No. The idea itself is no big deal. It's the easiest part of writing a novel. And it changes constantly during the writing process. Of the three novels I've written, only the latest, <em>Dark Annie</em>, kept its original idea intact from start to finish. Both <em>The Last Battleship</em> and <em>Moon Dust</em> experienced major plot changes during the writing process. So the idea itself is less important than most people think. Giving me the idea and then expecting me to do all the work so you can share a byline is not going to happen. Ever. With any author. So don't ask.</div>
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3) <em>"I've written a novel. Can you read it and critique it for me?"</em> Again, no. It's sad to admit but the fact is people today are way too litigious. Let's say you hand your manuscript to an author and they read it and the plot happens to be close to something they're working on. When their work is published you think they stole your idea and you go apeshit. There's a lawsuit, there are cries of plagiarism and outright thievery, the author's name is dragged through the mud in a very public way. Sure, which author wouldn't want to subject themselves to all that? Critique your own work or hire somebody to do it for you. No author in their right mind would agree to do this.</div>
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4) <em>"My life story would make a great book."</em> No, it wouldn't. Why, because you suffered through some adversity? Newsflash: <em>Everyone</em> has gone through adversity in their life. What makes yours so special? Unless you lived through some major disaster and came through it in some extraordinary way, no one cares. If you're a celebrity, someone will publish your memoirs, I suppose. Professional athletes, war heroes, political leaders, someone will greenlight their books. Yours? Not likely. This probably sounds a bit harsh but it's a fact. If you don't believe me try to get an agent or publisher interested in your life story and see what happens.</div>
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5) <em>"Can I be a character in your novel?"</em> Sure. I stick mostly to the horror genre and I'm always looking for names for the people who get bumped off. Once you put this forward you'd better be prepared to accept how the author uses your character. You can be the victim of a serial killer, or a very minor character that gets clipped to show the readers just how dangerous the situation is for the other, more important characters. You can be painted in a very unfavorable light. Or you can be the hero of the whole piece and save the day. This is a very clear cut example of <em>caveat emptor</em>. Keep that in mind if you ask this question of an author.<br />
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There are more, I'm sure, but these are the ones that get thrown my way the most often. I never make it a point to call anyone on their bullshit when they say these things to me. I know they're not being insulting intentionally. Or maybe they are and I'm just too dense to realize it. My usual response to this is to nod politely and smile and resist the urge to strangle them and hide the body. <br />
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Or to write them into the next novel with a brutal death scene. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-33191027357783635672013-06-17T12:44:00.000-07:002013-06-17T12:44:08.481-07:00Unconventional Zombies<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am all about zombie movies. I have been ever since I saw the original <em>Night of the Living Dead</em> by the brilliant George A. Romero. Like many fans of the genre I can't quite put my finger on why I love zombies so much. I acknowledge the idea that they're a metaphor for our culture and attitudes, the us vs. them mentality, the consumerism of modern society, etc. And I can appreciate them on that level. But mostly I just love a good zombie flick. But as more and more movies are made there's a push to make your zombies distinctive from the rest of the bunch and that can lead to some weird variations on the theme. Hence the zombie movies and books we're gonna look at in this blog.</div>
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I thought the remake of <em>Dawn of the Dead</em> (2004) was okay but it was no match for the original. My biggest complaint is the introduction of fast zombies. I hate this idea. Not just because it treads on Romero's rules but because it also eliminates the one physical advantage the survivors have over the dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a metaphor for how we're losing all our freedoms and quality of life at a (perceived) much faster rate than ever before. Whatever. Fast zombies suck and I blame director Zack Snyder for this and for every movie made after<em> DotD</em> that featured fast zombies.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD-WbWLGmCOY5Wngb290rZj0RHzcUL_h6G5z1dKo-2XgpCpoC4jwrTJWjVz2-wcFrNgbIi0C2xV-xueq1ZQ26qq8SlpQjZPJ9E7UlNDNQQVjI38wJ4KP3e0AaiEb2gXdkzBBeV8qp_ueBi/s1600/5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD-WbWLGmCOY5Wngb290rZj0RHzcUL_h6G5z1dKo-2XgpCpoC4jwrTJWjVz2-wcFrNgbIi0C2xV-xueq1ZQ26qq8SlpQjZPJ9E7UlNDNQQVjI38wJ4KP3e0AaiEb2gXdkzBBeV8qp_ueBi/s320/5.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Wal-Mart's having a sale!</span></div>
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The exception that proves the rule about how fast zombies suck is <em>28 Days Later </em>(2002). The zombies in this Danny Boyle flick are not zombies in the traditional sense. In fact, they're still alive. An artificial virus escapes a lab and infects the citizens of London. Don't you hate when that happens? Cillian Murphy wakes up in a hospital with no knowledge of what's going on. The deserted London streets are suitably creepy and the "infected" are everywhere. This is really a very good movie and you should check it out.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtYAT-ByttwG8qe0fHTNakOfYOeTIyoMjqb17s6eYW2LIo3OD-5n607BKKC-2WqHnZRvvEFFBIKXFDYtlHwg3u-s5KpksjMtkKDVYTKG1x4qQSfbHqc2YtRy0R-CQ3_JpAWZGgDY9n6Iyg/s1600/4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtYAT-ByttwG8qe0fHTNakOfYOeTIyoMjqb17s6eYW2LIo3OD-5n607BKKC-2WqHnZRvvEFFBIKXFDYtlHwg3u-s5KpksjMtkKDVYTKG1x4qQSfbHqc2YtRy0R-CQ3_JpAWZGgDY9n6Iyg/s320/4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The creators of <em>Where's Waldo</em> aren't even trying anymore.</span></div>
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In 2005 Marvel Comics produced a series called <em>Marvel Zombies</em>. The term "Marvel Zombie" had been around since the 70s and it referred to someone who bought only Marvel comics, regardless of quality. Marvel turned the title on its ear when they called Robert Kirkman, creator of <em>The Walking</em> <em>Dead</em>, and asked him to come up with a story wherein all the Marvel heroes become zombies. Kirkman's story concerns an alien virus that strikes earth's heroes and turns them into canabalistic monsters with a twist: They still possess their powers and intellect. They know they're doing wrong but they can't help themselves. Spider-Man, upon turning, eats his wife and beloved old aunt! Arthur Suydam took classic Marvel covers of the past and "zombified" them, like this one from <em>Marvel Super-Heroes Secret Wars</em> #1: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN_Xi6EFqDCaFYRHDVh7N1bWJP7kiW9wwNqxCsKRvtHsPmAyWr0G_cGN29NZo2tPvSkqzJyGKV87VY6ixb1y06f2AZCZOXxrl2OwSh47rRj2iRQtloBqMfocenNylc5kY6NPIA9nbZfU2x/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN_Xi6EFqDCaFYRHDVh7N1bWJP7kiW9wwNqxCsKRvtHsPmAyWr0G_cGN29NZo2tPvSkqzJyGKV87VY6ixb1y06f2AZCZOXxrl2OwSh47rRj2iRQtloBqMfocenNylc5kY6NPIA9nbZfU2x/s320/1.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
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It wasn't a bad story if you threw continuity out the window. Since this took place in an alternate universe it did not affect the "real" Marvel Universe. It was something of a <em>What If...?.</em> It was as good as it was simply because Robert Kirkman knows how to tell great zombie stories and he knows the Marvel characters.</div>
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Marvel's chief rival, DC Comics, came up with their own zombie story in 2009, titled <em>Blackest</em> <em>Night</em>. Spinning out of events in <em>Green Lantern</em>, writer Geoff Johns created the Black Lanterns. Dead (or formerly dead) heroes and villains returned to life as Black Lanterns. This concerned nearly every character in DC's universe, since most of their major characters had died at some point in their career and come back to life. (Death in comics is something of a revolving door.) The Black Lanterns then went about trying to kill the living heroes and villains, who would in turn become Black Lanterns themselves. It wasn't a bad story but DC really ran with it and it eventually became too convoluted to follow easily. Still it was a pretty creepy sight to see undead versions of Superman, Wonder Woman and Aquaman (among many others) actively trying, and sometimes succeeding, in killing their former collegues. </div>
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The last one I want to being to your attention is 2004's <em>Shaun of the Dead</em>. Written by star Simon Pegg and director Edgar Wright, this is a super-entertaining movie. It's a comedy, kinda. It's a romance, kinda. It's also a solid zombie flick. What makes this so great is that Shaun and his crew are just plain funny. The zombie holocaust that overtakes London is played straight, but the dialogue and actions of Shaun and his best bud/roommate, Ed, are anything but. Their big plan to escape the zombies is to go to their favorite pub and drink and have a good time until the whole situation blows over. This movie has several laugh out loud moments, but keep in mind, it's a horror movie and people die. Some of them, horribly. Fans of Pegg's TV series <em>Spaced</em> will spot lots of actors from that series, and even a few of the jokes but I can't recommend this movie enough.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Shaun and Ed, zombie slayers!</span><br />
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This movie is a love letter to George Romero, who loved it so much he invited Pegg and Wright to be zombie extras in his <em>Land of the Dead</em> in 2005. They're the photo booth zombies, in case you didn't catch them before.</div>
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I likes me a good zombie flick, especially anything by Romero. But I also like the idea of people trying a different approach to the genre. It doesn't always work (have I mentioned how much fast zombies suck?) but I have to applaud the effort, if not always the end result. There are plenty more I haven't gotten to. Like the WTF <em>Return of the Living Dead</em> movies, the they-get-worse-with-each-sequel <em>Resident Evil</em> movies, etc. Have I missed any that you think should be included here? Let me know. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-76956038037863088892013-05-26T09:29:00.000-07:002013-05-26T09:29:35.995-07:00Mash Em Up!<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am a huge fan of genre mash-ups. I think it's because they're so rare these days and also because they're almost always fish-out-of-water stories. There's nothing wrong with a straight-up horror story or a comedy or western, or whatever. But mix them together and the result can be very entertaining. It can elevate a so-so story if done correctly. My novel <em>The Last Battleship</em> was something of a mash-up in that I tried to blend war and horror together. Hopefully I succeeded. We don't get enough of these type of stories and I think we're the poorer for it. The commercial entertainment industry is too wimpy to take many chances. Oh, we get the sci fi/horror mash-up all the time but beyond that...not too much. </div>
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This isn't a new idea but it's done so rarely it seems like it is. I think that's why <em>Cowboys and Aliens</em> (2011)<em> </em> did so well at the box office. </div>
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The pitch must have been something like this: "Take a western and mix in some sci fi." It was okay. It had some genuinely entertaining scenes. And there's no arguing with the awesomeness of uniting Indiana Jones and James Bond to battle some ridiculous alien gold prospectors. But from a storytelling standpoint the movie was horrible. That didn't seem to matter and I hope its success will at least make more producers less skittish about crossing genres. </div>
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Look what James Cameron did with <em>Aliens</em> (1986). It's a sequel to one of the greatest horror movies of all time but it's not quite a horror movie. Oh, it's scary as hell, don't get me wrong; but it's difficult to categorize it as a straight-up horror movie. It takes place on another planet and deals with an alien adversary. So is it sci fi? To me it's always been a war movie with horror undertones. I think it qualifies as a mash-up of war and horror with a bit of sci fi added in for flavor. I mean, does this image make you think "horror" or "war"? </div>
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For me this is a war movie that makes use of horror movie tropes. This does not diminish anything about it as far as I'm concerned. It's probably in my top ten favorite movies of all time. On paper it could have been just as effective if the aliens were replaced by a superior (human) enemy force. I don't know if that would have been as good but I can see how it could have been done.</div>
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As I'm writing this it occurs to me that, next to sci fi/horror, the next most popular genre mash-up must be war/horror. You can make the point that all war stories are horror stories and I would not argue. It's difficult if not impossible to watch the first 20 minutes of <em>Saving Private Ryan</em> (1998) or most of <em>Black Hawk Down</em> (2001) and not be scared shitless. But those movies/books don't use <em>supernatural</em> horror and that's where I draw the distinction. There are still a few examples I can point to where someone got their war mixed with somebody else's horror and discovered two great tastes that taste great together. </div>
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In a previous blog I talked about horror comic books. Some of these, like <em>Swamp Thing</em> and <em>Ghost Rider</em>, mixed horror and super heroes together. There are other examples. Sticking with war/horror one last time, DC gave us <em>Weird War Tal</em>es. It ran longer than I thought it did, from 1971-1983. A solid twelve years and 124 issues. Not bad. I have some of them, including #1. The issues in my collection are entertaining and I wouldn't mind completing my collection of that title. By and large they got it right. </div>
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I'm less enthusiastic when genres I don't care about are combined, although I applaud the creators for trying something different. Romcoms, paranormal romance, dramedies, etc. Not really my cup of early grey but at least someone's taking a chance. I can respect that even if the genres don't interest me.</div>
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A couple more examples before we get out of here and hit the local watering hole. I want to mention two examples of genre mash-ups that not many people think of as such. They're both quite famous, actually. I'm talking worldwide famous. The first is Superman, created in 1938 by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster and published ever since by DC Comics. </div>
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Of course everyone knows Superman is a super hero. That's where the term "<em>super</em> hero" comes from. You probably even knew that. But he mashes super heroes and science fiction better than any other character in literature. In fact, in terms of money generated over time, I'm willing to bet Superman is the all-time champion of genre mash-ups. He is a "strange visitor from another planet!" as the opening naration in the old TV show with George Reeves informed us. An alien visitor? What's more sci fi than that? What enables Superman to be super is the yellow sun of earth. On Krypton he would have been no more super than Jimmy Olson is here. Yes, the science is a little on the iffy side but that's okay. So are warp drive and lightsabres and we accept those.</div>
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And the last example is one I guarantee not many people would consider a genre mash-up and I'm about to prove how wrong they are. I'm talking about that most beloved of holiday classics, Charles Dickens' <em>A Christmas Carol</em>. Stay with me. It was first published in 1843 and it is ostensibly a story about personal redemption that happens to take place during the Christmas holiday. But it's way more than that. Take, for instance, the title page of the novel:</div>
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It says it right there: "A ghost story of Christmas." Since ghosts belong squarely in the horror/supernatural genre, it has just become much more than a simple holiday fable. Scrooge is visited first by the ghost of his old partner and mentor, and then he sees three more ghosts before the story ends. But there's more. It is also undeniably a sci fi story. I'll prove it. </div>
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The three ghosts employ a plot device that is 100% science fiction: time travel. They take Scrooge into the distant past and the far future. The Ghost of Christmas Present is the most sci fi of them all because not only does it take Scrooge ahead 12 hours to Christmas morning at Bob Cratchett's house, it even takes Scrooge a full year into the future to the following Christmas. And this is where the sci fi elements of <em>A Christmas Carol</em> become in-yo-face. It shows him an <em>alternate</em> future. Scrooge discovers that Tiny Tim has not survived the year. But at story's end, when Scrooge has his change of heart and joins the Cratchetts for Christmas dinner, Dickens flat-out tells us Tiny Tim will survive. Time travel, alternate realties and ghosts define this novel as way more than a run of the mill drama. It's a genre mash-up of the first order. Good job, Mr. Dickens.</div>
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Now onto that watering hole I mentioned. First round's on you. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-33947324820799318492013-05-03T09:28:00.000-07:002013-05-03T09:28:27.666-07:00Funny Books? Not Always<div style="text-align: justify;">
I started reading comic books when I was 5 years-old, maybe even earlier. I'm not entirely sure. I also don't know which comic book I read first. It was most likely a mainstream super-hero title like <em>Superman</em>, <em>Amazing Spider-Man</em> or maybe <em>Justice League of America</em>, bought by one of my grandfathers. Again, I have no clear memory of this. What I can tell you is whatever that first comic was it sparked an interest in the art form that has never abated. I've been reading and collecting comics ever since. How many do I have? Glad you asked. I'm closing in on 18,000. What's the collection worth? No idea. I'm not interested in selling it so the question is irrelevant. Moving on...</div>
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Comics encompass all genres. Most people think of super-heroes when they hear the term "comic book" but that's selling the art form short. Comics have included romance, western, sci fi, crime, funny animal, humor, war and, of course, horror. The greatest of the horror comics were published in the 1950s by EC Comics, the brainchild of publisher William Gaines. EC's horror output included classic titles like <em>Tales From the Crypt</em>, <em>The Vault of Horror</em> and <em>The Haunt of Fear</em>. Sadly, I possess only a handful of these titles in collected form. The originals are almost impossible to find and cost more than my car. <br />
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In 1954 the Comics Code Authority was formed. It was a self-censorship entity that decided, all on its own, that horror comics were no longer allowed. This was in response to charges brought by Dr. Frederick Wertham that comics caused juvenile delinquency. His findings, compiled in the book <em>Seduction of the Innocent,</em> were based on nothing more than his opinions. (He demanded to know, for instance, why Batman, Robin and Alfred lived in the same house without any female companions. Were they...<em>gay</em>??? DC responded by actually <em>killing Alfred</em> and replacing him with Aunt Harriet! Now <em>that's</em> horror!) And yet the United States Congress went right along with him. It helps if you remember this was the era of McCarthyism and Communist witch hunts. Americans were seeing enemies in every shadow and the rise in teen crime had to be blamed on something. Comic books proved to be an easy target. So the Code did away with vampires, werewolves, ghosts, etc. It also did away with EC, more or less. With the significant exception of <em>Mad Magazine</em> they were pretty much gone from the shelves. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Looks like good old-fashioned harmless entertainment to me. </span></div>
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A quick digression: The decade of the 1950s really was a great time to be a horror fan. In addition to the brilliance that was EC's line there were literally dozens of wonderful horror movies to take in. Most of the monsters/bad guys in these movies had some connection to science gone awry or outer space. They had great titles like <em>The Magnetic Monster</em> and <em>It! The Terror From Beyond Space</em> and the like. We can enjoy these movies now but I wish I could have seen them first-run in the theatre. It must have seemed like a new one was coming out every week. End digression.<br />
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Fast forward to 1971. The Comics Code, for reasons known only to them, decided horror comics were okay. There were still restrictions on content but the first cracks in the dike had appeared. The two biggest publisher at the time, Marvel and DC, leaped with both feet into the horror market, with mixed results. Since this was around the time I started reading comics these titles hold a certain nostalgic charm for me so I can't badmouth them too much. Objectively I can say some were very good and some sucked. It happens. But I like them all, even the lousy ones. </div>
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DC had titles like <em>Swamp Thing</em> and <em>The Witching Hour</em>. Marvel countered with <em>Ghost Rider</em> and <em>Tomb of Dracula,</em> among others. Marvel even whipped up their own swamp monster, the gloriously named <em>Man-Thing</em>. In 1975 when Marvel started putting out Giant-Size issues of most of their series, we were treated to the single greatest title in the history of comics: <em> Giant-Size Man-Thing</em>. And no one at Marvel seemed to think anything of it. Or maybe they did and laughed when no one was looking. See for yourself:</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Yes, that's number FOUR. As in, there were 3 issues with the same title published before this.</span></div>
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Here are some of the other horror titles from the era. Some had a superhero slant to them, especially <em>Ghost Rider</em> but I don't blame the publishers for hedging their bets a little. The fact is super-heroes were selling and not many people were sure this new wave of horror titles would catch on. </div>
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A lot of these horror-based characters operated in their own dark corner of their respective universes. Some, like Morbius the Living Vampire, first appeared in the mainstream Mavel Universe by showing up to fight Spider-Man in his first appearance. This was both common and rare at the same time. It was common because Spidey was Marvel's most popular character at the time and meeting him was a rite of passage for most new characters. It was Marvel's way of letting the readers know this character was officially part of their shared universe. It was rare, however, because horror characters did not usually show up in super-hero titles.<br />
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I don't know what comics readers at the time thought of these new entries in the genre. Like I said I was a newcomer when these were being published. As far as I knew there had always been horror comics. I didn't learn until years later that they were all pretty new concepts at the time. So my timing was excellent. Bully for me!</div>
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Once the Comics Code Authority opened the door a little they were never able to close it again. Horror comics didn't last too long, though. By the late-70s most of them were already gone. A few titles soldiered on but for the most part the horror renaissance in comics was over. Which is a shame because the Comics Code Authority itself gave up the (ahem) ghost a few years ago. And it couldn't have died soon enough for me. Some of the horror characters remain and they continue to pop up in stories from time to time. Swamp Thing has his own monthly title again but it's not remotely a horror comic. There are, however, several quality horror comics being published right now.</div>
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Avatar has the comics rights to Romero's <em>Night of the Living Dead</em> and they're having a blast with it. The cover of this issue would fit right in with what EC was doing 60 years ago:</div>
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The stories are definitely not for children. These are as R-rated as you can get. Nothing wrong with that, just pointing it out in case you're considering letting little Johnny or Suzi read this. It's probably not a good idea. There's lots of blood and gore and lots of profanity. Just like the movies.</div>
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Of course, the current champion of horror comics is <em>The Walking Dead.</em> Created by Robert Kirkman and published through Image Comics, it's the success story of the early-21st century in terms of horror comics. Everyone knows about the AMC series but not everyone knows it's based on a comic book. The show's credits say it is "Based on the graphic novel", as if linking it to the term "comic book" somehow diminishes it. Nonsense. If the comic was good enough for Frank Fucking Darabont it's good enough for you, too. </div>
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(I'm pretty certain Frank Darabont's middle name isn't "Fucking" but I capitalized it anyway. My editors are shaking their fists at me and twirling their handlebar mustaches as you read this.) Fans of the show should really give the comic a shot. It's different enough from the series that you won't know what's going to happen everytime you turn the page. Some characters who died on the show are still alive in the comic, and some who are still alive on TV shuffled loose the mortal coil long ago. And some characters from the show have never appeared in the comic at all. And (GASP!) Daryl Dixon is one of them! It's as unpredictable as the AMC series and it deserves your attention.<br />
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The good news is that most of these series have been collected into trade paperbacks. They're easy enough to find and not terribly expensive. Marvel publishes their <em>Essentials</em> line of black-and-white reprints and some of the horror series actually look better that way. Check them out if you're so inclined. </div>
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There is a perception that comics are an inferior form of entertainment and they are often looked down upon. Sometimes it's deserved but not always. While the horror comics of the 70s and 80s weren't always of the highest quality there were others that came before them and after them that are truly wonderful. If you're a fan of all things horror you should try to track down some of these titles. The Crypt Keeper will appreciate it. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-74218259546090583992013-04-29T07:17:00.001-07:002013-04-29T07:17:34.726-07:00Ghosts<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't believe in ghosts. There, it's out. I'd like to. Most of my favorite horror novels and movies are about ghosts. I've written stories about ghosts and I've tried to make them scary and entertaining. But in terms of personal belief, yeah, I can't buy into it. I admit that sometimes freaky shit happens and the explanation is elusive. You know someone who claims their dog stares into an empty corner of the house and barks and whines. It's weird and it can creep you out and it's difficult to explain. Maybe their house is haunted. Or maybe their dog is just stupid. I don't know. </div>
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There are any number of "reality" shows that feature people on the hunt for ghosts. I admit I've watched a few episodes myself. It's either a psychic who wandewrs around the house and then "senses" something in the atic or the basement; or it's guys with infrared cameras wandering around an abandoned sanatarium or prison and they hear weird noises and down the corridor a shadow passes in front of the camera. Then at the end of the show it's always the same thing. "Well, Mr. Jones, we found some interesting stuff here. You might have a ghost but we can't be sure." Gee, thanks for the help. </div>
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Here's the thing about these reality shows and why I don't believe anything they say. If they caught real footage of a ghost it would be all over the news. The news networks would run the clips ad nauseum and the super religious would flock to the spot and hold prayer vigils. You'd have psychics all over the place vying to be interviewed by CNN. And of course you'd have the opportunists vowing to exorcize the ghost. For a fee, naturally. And all this would happen six months before the episode aired. Since that breaking news never breaks why would anyone waste their time watching the show itself? If they had actually found concrete evidence of a ghost you'd know about it already.</div>
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A quick digression: This is precisely the same reason I never bother with shows about the search for bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster or werewolves or whatever else they're searching for that week. If someone had footage of bigfoot we'd know about it instantly. Hence there's no reason whatsoever to watch these shows. They have failed at their stated goal and you know that before you even tune in to the thing. </div>
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All this is not to say that ghost stories aren't cool. They are. Or they can be if handled properly. Dorothy Macardle's 1942 novel <em>Uneasy Freehold</em> is excellent. It's the basis for the 1944 movie <em>The Uninvited</em> starring Ray Milland. The movie is great, too. </div>
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Peter Straub wrote the too-obvious-to-be-a-title novel <em>Ghost Story</em> in 1979. Two years later it was made into a movie with John Houseman, Doughlas Fairbanks, Jr. and Fred Astaire(!). Both the novel and the movie are excellent. </div>
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And of course we have the mother of all ghost stories, Henry James's masterpiece <em>The Turn of the Screw</em>. Numerous adaptations have made it to the screen, almost all titled <em>The Innocents</em>. The best is the one with Deborah Kerr from 1961. </div>
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The Overlook Hotel is crawling with ghosts in Stephen King's <em>The</em> <em>Shining</em>. Both the novel and the movie are fantastic. The TV miniseries from a few years ago is okay but simply not in the same class as either the Kubrick film or the source material.</div>
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There are more. <em>The Sixth Sense</em> (1999) is brilliant with a twist ending worthy of Rod Serling. And speaking of Serling there were numerous episides of <em>The Twilight Zone</em> and a few from <em>Night Gallery</em> that dealt with ghosts. I'm not gonna list them all here but suffice to say Serling knew how to spin a good ghost yarn. </div>
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My novel <em>The Last Battleship</em> featured <strong><em>(SPOILER ALERT!)</em></strong> a kind of hybrid ghost/zombie menace in the form of the crew of the USS <em>Louisiana</em>. My third novel, <em>Dark Annie</em> (release date to-be-determined but should be sometime in October 2013) is a straight-up ghost story. Why? Because I really do love a good ghost story. With all due respect to zombies my favorite type of story in horror fiction is the ghost story. I think it's because ghost stories are just so cool. I just wish I could believe in ghosts.</div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-85999151340323205502013-04-06T12:03:00.000-07:002013-04-06T12:03:17.040-07:00Creating a Horror Fan<div style="text-align: justify;">
The first time I can remember being attracted to a horror story was my mother reading me the Dr. Seuss book <em>The Pale Green Pants</em>. Yeah, that's right, Dr. Seuss. I was probably all of three years-old. The story freaked me out because here was this pair of pants with nobody inside them just running around the woods at night. See for yourself: </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">You're walking through the woods at night and come across this. </span></div>
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As with all Dr. Seuss stories, this one had a positive lesson to teach so it ended up not being so scary in the end. That made little difference to me as I asked my mother to read that story to me over and over. By the twentieth time she was probably reciting it from memory. I loved that story and still do. I'm pretty sure it got me started on the path to becoming a fan of all things horror.</div>
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The next major horror event occured when I watched the television movie <em>Duel</em> in 1971. I know, I know, in my very first blog I said it wasn't exactly a horror movie. Screw that! It scared me and fascinated me and I still watch it whenever it's on TV. It might have been around the same time I became obsessed with those pale green pants. According to imdb.com it aired as ABC's movie of the week on November 13, 1971, which would have been about five weeks before my fourth birthday. I have only a vague memory of watching it then but my parents have told me I sat cross-legged in front of the TV and didn't move or speak the whole time it was on. It stayed with me for my whole life. When I saw it on DVD I scooped it up immediately. I'll pop it into the BluRay player every now and then and sit back and enjoy poor Dennis Weaver's struggle against a big ass truck and it's never-seen-clearly driver. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxW6nGtSarbGXGFWUA9OQAYIEdI2tYsQqlrSg3etGu4X1Ycnsf6K4M_oMhdSoYxDMJUfArRYM3OkGvhw9J7bN0NgPEaDkYb5e7p6u1Vka3FZFnicNGliy24Q0T6U-6zNa3tH3NFJA1AAQ0/s1600/duel1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxW6nGtSarbGXGFWUA9OQAYIEdI2tYsQqlrSg3etGu4X1Ycnsf6K4M_oMhdSoYxDMJUfArRYM3OkGvhw9J7bN0NgPEaDkYb5e7p6u1Vka3FZFnicNGliy24Q0T6U-6zNa3tH3NFJA1AAQ0/s320/duel1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Bad, bad truck!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">What is this asshole's problem?</span></div>
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I was too young at the time to understand the not-overly-subtle theme of man vs. machine. Weaver's character is named David Mann. And as I mentioned above, we never get a good shot of the truckdriver; the most we ever see of him is his arm out the cab's window as he waves Dennis Weaver ahead of him. So for all intents and purposes the truck is driverless and this point is hammered home by its single-minded pursuit of an innocent motorist across miles and miles of desert.</div>
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This movie, maybe more than any other movie or novel, is most likely the reason I became a true horror fan. But there is one more story to talk about and I think this is the one that cemented me in the horror genre. </div>
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There was a horror anthology series called <em>Circle of Fear</em>. Again, according to imdb.com, the episode in question first aired on January 12, 1973, a few weeks after my fifth birthday. (Seriously, what were my parents thinking letting me watch this shit???) The title of the episode is "Dark Vengeance" and it stars Martin Sheen and Kim Darby. It's about a cursed toy horse that terrorizes the young couple who find it. The synopsis I read online doesn't say much and I can't remember many details. Mostly what I remember is Kim Darby (really, I don't even remember her being in it; mostly I just remember her character as a generic young-wife type) watching her husband pull out of the driveway with the horse safely locked in the trunk. And she turns around and the goddamned thing is in the room with her and it starts to advance <em>slowly</em> across the floor toward her. This terrified me. Take a look:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLtFO2nUH8gV-RsdWYUeFIAWFdHwTwV7HcCos-7HbBKfPO-GHC7uaHef-JDp2ckdNWQLB9dBqbTRTyFAsc70Z0oKG4hOXY8cUHMF6358YroRBbMBGK2IZrUBFD05kB-ljF-ppCmGyU4XDX/s1600/dv2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLtFO2nUH8gV-RsdWYUeFIAWFdHwTwV7HcCos-7HbBKfPO-GHC7uaHef-JDp2ckdNWQLB9dBqbTRTyFAsc70Z0oKG4hOXY8cUHMF6358YroRBbMBGK2IZrUBFD05kB-ljF-ppCmGyU4XDX/s320/dv2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Personally, I'm more frightened by that nightie.</span></div>
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I don't remember the toy horse being that big but since<em> </em>I last saw this forty years ago I think I can be forgiven for a false memory or two. What I do remember, quite clearly, was being scared out of my wits by this episode. I have no idea if I saw more of the series or if this was a one-off for me. Either way, it made quite an impression.</div>
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There was no <em>Goosebumps</em> series or anything of the kind back then so my horror intake was limited to shows like <em>Creature Feature</em> and <em>Chillers</em> and things of that nature. I watched <em>Dracula</em> and <em>Frankenstein</em> and <em>The Mummy</em> and movies like that. I bought and read comic books like <em>Werewolf By Night</em> and <em>Ghost Rider</em> . Basically anything with a supernatural element to it was fine with me. When I discovered Stephen King and Dean Koontz and Agatha Christie it was like my own personal mardi gras. I couldn't read their novels fast enough. I still can't. </div>
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My two published novels and the third (on its way!) are all squarely in the horror genre. There's an obvious reason for that. It's the genre I enjoy most when reading/watching and it's one with which I identify quite easily. I hope I can excite someone with my writing the way I was excited by reading my first Christie novel or watching <em>Duel</em>. At the momemt I have no intention of leaving the genre and trying to "stretch my muscles" in another direction. Horror is what excites me and interests me. </div>
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Blame Dr. Seuss. </div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-1408847836761756302013-03-22T07:22:00.000-07:002013-03-22T07:22:22.021-07:00Don't Show the Monster!<div style="text-align: justify;">
In my previous post I ranked 1979's <em>Alien</em> as the second scariest movie of all time. There are about a thousand reasons why but I'm going to focus on only one. We never get a clear shot of the alien. The <em>Nostromo</em> is dark; the corridors are narrow but there are also wide areas, all wreathed in shadow. Each and every time we see the alien it's never well-defined. We get a vague sense of what it looks like but director Ridley Scott knew better than to show us the whole package. There's a reason for that. </div>
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The imagination is much more powerful than any rubber costume, even one created by master Hollywood craftsmen. It is much more effective to <em>suggest</em> the creature's appearance than to actually have it stand in the open. Because as soon as we see it, no matter how horrific it looks, we can deal with it. Ridley Scott knew it. And so did Shirley Jackson twenty years earlier. </div>
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In her novel, <em>The Haunting of Hill House</em>, she never shows us what's in the house. Oh, there's definitely <em>something</em> in there. But what it is she keeps to herself. We hear slow, heavy footsteps in the hallway outside Eleanor's room. Those footsteps stop outside her door. Then something bangs on the door like it wants in. But Jackson never shows us what's doing the banging. The two female protagonists clutch each other as the banging on the door speeds up and gets louder. A moment later the banging stops. A moment after that the two women are relieved to hear one of the men in their group asking them if they're okay in there. This moment was captured in spectacular fashion in the movie version, <em>The Haunting</em> (1963). In a later scene as the group tries to flee the house, a wood door starts to <em>bend</em> inward as something on the other side tries to get to them. It's a terrifying moment, because wood doesn't bend like that. So what the hell is making it happen? We never see it. They wisely never open the door. They do what anybody would do in that situation: They get the fuck out of Dodge. Their survival instinct overpowers their curiosity and so we never do learn what's haunting Hill House. It's precisely why the story is so effective in both the book and movie versions. (Except the 1999 remake. Despite having a semi-decent cast led by Liam Neeson, the movie sucked.) </div>
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Spielberg accomplished the same thing, albiet unintentionally, in <em>Jaws</em> (1975). Since the mechanical shark never worked properly we get to see very little of it. A fin here, a quick headhot there. It was Spielberg's intention to follow the novel as closely as possible, but the shark appears in the novel way more than it does in the movie. Hell, the shark is mentioned in the <em>first sentence</em> of the novel: <em> "The</em> <em>great fish moved silently through the water</em>..." Peter Benchley apparantly did not subscribe to Jackson's less-is-more approach. But because the mechanical shark kept breaking down Spielberg was forced to find ways to suggest its presence and appearance rather than show us. Major kudos to John Williams for that. Today it would not be an issue. They would just CGI the shit out of it and the shark would be in ever scene. And the movie would not be half as effective as it was. For proof, watch <em>Deep Blue Sea</em> (1999). </div>
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There are many more examples. After his teleportation experiment goes horrifically wrong, main character David Hedison spends the second half of the movie with a towel over his head in the original version of <em>The Fly</em> (1958). Eventually his wife pulls the towel away but for most of the time his head is hidden from us. Audiences probably guessed why but the reveal takes so long they were probably squirming in their seats for some time. </div>
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In <em>X: The Man With the X-Ray Eyes</em> (1963) Ray Milland develops eyedrops that allow him to see outside the human visual spectrum. They give him x-ray vision and he can see ultraviolet rays. But the more he uses the eyedrops the more he sees. And he starts to see...<em>things</em>. Things no one else can see. Are they real or is he losing his mind? He takes to wearing dark sunglasses and he wears them in every scene thereafter. And that's when the squirm factor comes in. Because what, exactly, is going on behind those shades? In the final shot of the movie the glasses come off. I won't ruin it for you but it's pretty creepy. </div>
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These authors and filmmakers got it exactly right. These stories are frightening because most, if not all, of the monsters are never shown. Let the audience's imagination do your work for you. It sounds lazy but it's quite the opposite. It takes a lot of skill and self-control not to describe something too vividly. It's an approach I tried to use in my third novel, <em>Dark Annie</em>. When it becomes available you can tell me whether or not I succeeded. </div>
Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2083154462624638878.post-16483120803263900572013-03-18T10:30:00.000-07:002013-03-18T10:30:13.786-07:0010 Scariest Movies of All Time<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let's get this out of the way: This list is totally subjective. I picked movies that scared <em>me</em>. It's a generational thing to an extent. The original <em>Dracula</em> (1931) was pretty damned scary for its time and most of it still is. But today's teenager will probably not find much to be frightened about in Bela Lugosi's chilling performance. Likewise, <em>Dracula</em>'s inspiration, the silent-era <em>Nosferatu</em> (1922) probably had audience members shrieking at the time. But the current horror generation? Not likely. Certainly not when they've been brought up on the 25 <em>Saw </em>and <em>Hostel</em> movies and all that other garbage torture-porn. (A single exception: The original <em>Saw</em> was awesome. It's the sequels that suck.) I had a teen recommend to me the movie <em>Insidious</em> as "the scariest thing I've ever seen." With that kind of endorsement how could I refuse? It was okay. It certainly had its moments. Scariest movie ever made? Please. It's not even in my top 20, let alone the top 10 which we'll be getting to in a moment. </div>
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This list was very difficult to make. There are literally hundreds of quality horror movies that have been made over the decades. How could I possibly whittle that down to 10? I went with my gut. I didn't go back and sit through marathons of horror movies. I stuck with the ones that made an impression on me and still do. These are the movies I can recall at a moment's notice if the need arises. (That happens more often than you might think.) That's where this list comes from.</div>
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I've agonized over some of the movies that just missed the cut. We're talking high-quality, shit-your-pants horror. But there was something about them, some key factor, that seemed to place them just out of reach of the top 10. Some were made-for-television movies that had to contend with network censors, like <em>Duel </em>(1971) and <em>'Salem's Lot</em> (1979). Others were not quite horror movies but had a very horrorish feel to them, like <em>Jaws</em> (1975), <em>The Silence of the Lambs</em> (1991) and <em>Aliens</em> (1986). Some were very creepy but not enough for me to identify them as true horror movies. <em> Pitch Black</em> (2000) and <em>Se7en </em>(1995) fell into this category. Others were pure horror but fell just short of making the list, like <em>The Omen</em> (1976), <em>Susperia</em> (1977), <em>Them!</em> (1954) and John Carpenter's remake of <em>The Thing</em> (1982). </div>
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So with all that out of the way, let's get to the meat. Enjoy!</div>
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10) <em>The Gravedancers</em> (2006): I know, I know, you've never heard of this one. You owe it to yourself to go out and find it. A group of old college friends gets together when one of their own passes away. A night of drunken "remembrances" ends with them dancing in a cemetery. Bad move. Some of the grave's owners don't take kindly to being danced upon. Mild disturbances escalate to all-out horror as these friends try to survive an ancient curse. I jumped several times watching this and get chills just thinking about some of the scenes. (Plus the two female leads are pretty hot, always a plus.) Watch this one with the lights off. I dare you.</div>
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9) <em>Pet Sematary</em> (1989): Based on one of King's scariest novels, this could have been a mess but it wasn't. Dale Midkiff and Denise Crosby are hardly A-list actors. Frankly, Denise should have stuck with <em>Star Trek: The Next Generation</em> when she had the chance. But it does feature a star performance by the legendary Fred Gwynn ("The soil of a man's heart is stonier, Louis."). And the kid playing Gage Creed is convincingly twisted post-resurrection and at the same time sympathetic. "No fair." Oh, and the end is awesome!</div>
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8) <em>Paranormal Activity</em> (2007): This movie was made for about $50. It stars no one you've ever heard of (and, likely, never will) and it was shot at the director's house because they could not afford to build a set. I am the furthest thing from a fan of the "found footage" movies (I can't stand <em>The</em> <em>Blair Witch Project</em> and blame it for most of the similar-format shitty movies that have followed) but I dig this one. I jumped out of my skin about a dozen times. This should be shown in film schools so aspiring directors can see how to make an effective movie without a budget of $200 million. </div>
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7) <em>Night of the Living Dead</em> (1968): This is another movie that was made for nothing. The special effects are almost non-existent, the make-up isn't terribly convincing and, again, it stars no one you've ever heard of. Doesn't matter. This is the stuff of which nightmares are made. Not every writer/director can claim they invented an entire genre, but George A. Romero can. Every zombie flick made since 1968 has "borrowed" (putting it nicely) or outright stolen from this movie. Fans of <em>The Walking Dead</em> can thank Mr. Romero they have such a quality show to watch. "They're coming to get you, Barbara!" indeed. </div>
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6) <em>Halloween</em> (1978): It was a toss-up between this and <em>Psycho</em> and this won. I'll explain. Hitchcock created the slasher flick with <em>Psycho</em> (1960) but the genre didn't catch on. It's certainly <em>Halloween</em>'s spiritual godfather but it just doesn't have the<em> oomph</em> Carpenter instilled in his no-budget masterpiece. (I also don't credit the abominable <em>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</em> in any incarnation. I loathe all of them equally. Yes, even the one with Matthew McConaughey.) Carpenter took a very simple formula and managed to scare the bejeezus out of everyone. The formula was so successful it spawned <em>Friday the 13th</em> and <em>Sleepaway Camp</em> and <em>A Nightmare on Elm Street</em> and a shitload more, but don't hold that against this movie. Also, don't hold the sequels against it, either. They got progressively worse as they went on, although nothing can match the unrelenting shittiness of <em>Halloween III</em>. (One bit of good news, though: Rob Zombie's remake from 2007 was actually quite good.) I have nothing critical to say about this movie, not even all the cars in "Haddonfield, IL" having California licence plates. :)</div>
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5) <em>The Mist</em> (2007): Good God, this movie is fucking scary. Based on a Stephen King novella, Frank Darabont (director of such awesomeness as <em>The Shawshank Redepmtion</em> and <em>The</em> <em>Green Mile</em>) took half the cast of <em>The Walking Dead</em> (seriously, watch it again) and delivered a flawless masterpiece of terror. King's central theme in the novel was the inhuman monsters outside the grocery store where the characters are holed up vs. the very human monsters inside the store. Darabont knocked this one out of the park. Oh, and this movie has the single ballsiest ending I've ever seen. It isn't just heartbreaking. It's soul-crushing. </div>
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4) <em>The Innocents</em> (1961): I bet you don't know about this one. You should. It's based on the Henry James story "The Turn of the Screw" and it just might be the best ghost story ever written. Deborah Kerr is the new nanny to Miles and Flora, who haven't <em>quite</em> gotten over the death of their previous nanny and the estate's groundskeeper. ("Look at her, Flora! <em>Look at her!</em>") This is bone-chilling stuff and you owe it to yourself to see it. </div>
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3) <em>The Shining</em> (1980): Yes, another Stephen King story. Am I starting to sense a pattern here? Don't worry, this is the last one on this list. Nicholson should have won an Academy Award for this one, and Shelley Duvall is even better than he is in this. But far and away the best and scarist character in the movie is the Overlook Hotel itself. All hotels are inherantly creepy but none come anywhere near the Overlook when it comes to pure creepiness. Seriously, those corridors are endless, the public areas are cavernous and that hedgemaze is just plain fucked up. King is very public with his dislike of this movie. This is the one time I'm gonna side with the director over the author. This movie fucking rocks from start to finish. </div>
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2) <em>Alien</em> (1979): Ridley Scott's masterpiece, and that's saying something. The story is simplicity itself. It's basically a haunted house in space. Seriously, look at the <em>Nostromo</em>. It's Dr. Frankenstein's castle with giant engines. This might be the most gothic horror movie ever made. Thirty-four years later the horror genre, specifically that of the sci fi persuasion, is still trying to catch up to this. That says a lot. Oh, and you can thank this movie for every fictional female badass you know. They all took their cues from Sigourney Weaver's Ripley. (I'm looking at you, Sarah Connor.)</div>
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1) <em> The Exorcist</em> (1973): Was there any doubt? This movie goes straight for the throat and never lets go. I'm not gonna go into everything that makes this movie so scary or so great; if I have to do that there's no hope for you, anyway. Needless to say, if you somehow haven't seen it yet, do so immediately. Preferably around high noon with all the lights in the house turned on. And good luck sleeping after that.</div>
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There you have it. That's my list. What's yours?</div>
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Joseph J Christiano, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09179899921039570904noreply@blogger.com5